Who published a photo of a dead, bloody man on its front cover when Gadaffi was killed? OH THAT’S RIGHT. The Daily Mail. Now THAT is inappropriate for young children to see before the watershed, in the newsagents, in the supermarket, in the train station, isn’t it, Daily Mail? When you pretend to have standards, a. don’t reprint the ‘offending’ image, and b. don’t publish photos of dead, bloody tyrants on your front page.

Bref, you have no rights at all to complain about nudity before the watershed, when you publish it in your paper.

Cretins.

ANYWAY, I digress.

I thought I’d do a lovely little summary of what I did (or didn’t do) in the past year.

2011 began with a lovely angry rant about how supermarkets had already begun to stock up on Easter-related goodies before 2011 had even begun. In said rant, I mentioned that I would give up Facebook for Lent. If I remember correctly, I spent most of the period building up to Lent convincing myself that I would give up Facebook successfully for Lent, despite my initial doubt towards to the whole idea:

 I, for one, will not be buying my Cadbury’s Creme Egg until the start of Lent, which is when I intend to give up Facebook. Let’s see how that goes.

I can now confirm that I did not give up Facebook for Lent. Though, I like to think that I use it less now (owing in part to all the ruddy changes Facebook keep making to it), however I fear others won’t agree.

January probably involved some lovely courseworks, courtesy of Uni, but I think we’re all forgetting the highlight of the month of January. January is, of course, the joyous month of my birth. It would be quite the understatement to say that I drank a lot. If I remember correctly (the shame), I fear it involved transferring wine (red, natch) into an empty beer bottle to keep me occupied on the walk into town, where a fish bowl of alcohol was consumed. I suspect a good time was had by all.

An entire fish bowl of alcohol. And it was all mine!

February saw the two-year anniversary of my online presence (plus, obviously, alcohol and drudgery), which I celebrated by publishing some blogs from the archive… I also went to see Hurts in February with Lowri and Tom. Alas, train times were not clement, and we had to leave the gig after only half an hour, in order to run (one of the two times I ran in 2011) down Oxford Road to just make it in time for the train. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. Also In February, I went to see Russell Howard with the sister, which was ruddy hilarious. Need I say more? No.

By early March, there was speculation as to what I would be doing once I had graduated – would I be doing British Council in Spain, or would I be a lecteur in Rennes or would I be unemployed? Well, as luck would have it, everything sorted itself out, and I found out that I had been successful in my application to Rennes. Huzzah! It seems that March was the month of the infamous Hispanic Marketing text. I almost miss José now, and his sideburns and that same red jumper he would wear. Always. Y TU, ¿QUE TIENES?

As I didn’t do a blog in April, I have to try and recall what happened. Clearly, it wasn’t a lot. I went out and got incredibly drunk and popped my knee, which was an experience. Revision happened. Incessantly. So, naturally, despair happened also. Incessantly.

May was the time for the oral exams. And the normal exams. But mostly the mistake of the oral exams. As I did French and Spanish for my degree, along with Catalan in there, I had 3 orals. So, my stress levels were high, naturally. After finishing my French one, (I was the last person to do it in all the year!) I thought “Why not go for a drink to unwind?” One drink turned to 3 bottles. Needless to say that this did not bode well for my stress levels the next day – hungover and unable to revise for other exams. What a silly sausage I was.

ANYWAY, June saw the last of my exams, and saw my drunken self reach new levels never before reached by a Heeley. As my last exam was a morning exam, I brought a bottle of wine with me to celebrate and commence the drinking. Before noon. Shame of shames. By 4pm, I was staggering in to bed to lie down. This inevitably meant waking up at 7pm hungover and recommencing drinking all over again. This is not the lowest level to which I sunk in June. All I will say on the matter is 4 bottles of wine, tartiflette, the library, a cardboard-cut-out of the Bowland Lady and the worst hangover known to mankind. Ever. And, of course, there was the ultra-civilised Grad Ball, which, though a let-down, was a wonderous night with wonderous people. Even Zab made an appearance!

Don't we look dapper?

In July, I got to (finally) don my robes and graduate (like a boss). It was a little hectic as days go, but overall it was lovely, and culminated in a lovely evening spent at Bea’s with Fiona (and Bea, obviously). July also saw the last of 14 Dumbarton Road. Well, the last of Sarah, Josh and I living there. Good memories were made there (along with some interesting memories too). I’d best see them soon…

Throwing my mortarboard. Like a boss.

August saw riots hit England, and subsequently it saw Leona, Sarah and I doing a mini-tour of the places hit by the riots. It was all rather exciting, yet sad, as Sarah and I were to leave to Europe to do some teaching or something. That said, it was lovely to sort out lovely trips around to see people before I buggered off to Franceland. My buggering off to Franceland is something that also happened in August. After 5 horrific nights spent in the auberge de merde, I found somewhere to live and slept under a towel for my first night in my new flat.

I won’t bother summing up my time in France, as I didn’t really do a great deal this semester. However, I did:

• get to see Antoine and Julie again, which involved cider, crepes, galettes and a lovely visit to Saint Malo, not to mention the awkward moment when you’ve been promoted to “good friend” and subsequently, manly handshakes become cheek-kissing.

Look how blue the sea is! Look how yellow the sand is! joy!

• get to see Maire and touch Brest. A delicious strawberry and rhubarb tarte was enjoyed by all, and I got to go in a real old-fashioned phone box. In the back of beyond.
• get to see Mary and visit the infamous Rue Mouffetard

This rue caused lots of people lots of trauma. Darn you!

• visit Nantes and finally saw what all the fuss was about. Nantes is lovely!

Nantes is so proud of this crane, that they put it on the tourist information map!

• FINALLY get to travel on a Eurostar, two years exactly after my original scheduled journey!

Basically, overall, 2011 has been a good year – I’ve met some great people (you know who you are), and I’ve strengthened friendships with others. I’ve lived in 3 different places within a year, and managed to get myself a degree. My French is improving daily, and my levels of fatigue have reached new levels. I’ve studied and I’ve worked. 2011 was no 2010, but it was still ruddy good. Let’s hope that 2012 will be as good, eh? After all, it is meant to be our last!

Happy New Year and Bonne année to you all!

9th December, Rennes

Dear Mr. Cameron,

First of all, I’d like to congratulate you on your recent (in the grand scheme of things) victory in the General Election last summer. Félicitations on winning this election. I do hope you enjoy your time as a one-term Prime Minister. (I do hope you don’t mind me stealing Michele Bachman’s saying for Mr. Obama. She is possibly more odious than your right honourable self, so it is with a heavy heart that I use her words.) Secondly, Dave (I assume I can call you that, because you’re just so in touch with the electorate, that we’re on a first name basis), I feel I should explain the reason for which I am writing to you. If you notice the date written above, you will surely know what this date signifies – the day that the United Kingdom fell out with Europe.

I was always aware that your party were anti-Europe (they’re called the Conservatives, for crying out loud), but your actions today have managed to shock even myself (and I survived ‘One man, one cup’.) I’m hoping that you have guessed by this point that I didn’t vote for you, nor would I ever vote for you or your party. I simply don’t believe in ‘conserving’ things as they are, Dave. Jam is the only good example that I can think of relating to conserving things. Well, you’d know – you probably call it conserve, being a privileged Tory and all. Darn it, I’ve got side-tracked! The point I was trying to make, Dave, is that it is foolish of you to ‘protect’ British interests (aka overpaid banking friends of yours) whilst ignoring Europe. As a nation, the United Kingdom has always tried to help Europe – the Napoleonic Wars, the World Wars, yet now, in their hour of need, you have decided that it is not in our interest to help them. I would like to ask you a simple question: is it because there is no oil in Europe? You were all too keen to help in the invasion of Libya, and your party, I’m sure, will be all too keen to keep ‘British interests’ at heart in the Falkland Islands (a current hotbed of activity caused by Argentina). I find it ignorant of you, and pig-headed to not help Europe out.

Currently a resident of Europe, I am experiencing the crisis here first-hand. It makes me laugh that the British press are saying how serious the decision made by yourself today is, however,  it seems that Europe does not seem to care. It seems that the United Kingdom has never really added anything of great value to the European Union (or any of its predecessors), and in fact has only really served to impede any progress made by the organisation. In fact, one of my students (for I teach you see, I do a real job) said to me that France does not care that the UK does not want to help Europe: UK can fuck off and let us do a good job without them. It will work much better. De Gaulle was right to say ‘non’. I think this sums things up quite concisely, don’t you, Dave? Isolate my home country. Do it. I don’t care. I’ll move to Europe and get a job, while the United Kingdom crumbles because somebody decided to isolate itself.

Mr. Cameron, you have, once again, made me ashamed to call you my Prime Minister, and it makes me ashamed to say I come from a country that is so inward-looking. To use an allegory, you are like a spoilt child not wanting to share his fruit conserve in case he gets the silver spoon with which he was born with dirty.

I wish you every success in everything you do to ruin my country.

I’m sure you will agree, Mr. Cameron, the expression of my deepest sentiments of loathing towards your right honourable self.

Yours enraged,

Martin HEELEY

Baguettes chinoises = chopsticks

Baguettes = drumsticks (for drumming)

Baguette = the stick a conductor of an orchestra conducts with

My students couldn’t understand why this is hilarious. I explained – can you imagine a conductor conducting with an actual baguette of bread? Priceless.

Emmental rapé = grated cheese (not raped emmental, chortle chortle)

Other words I have recently discovered, which may be of some use to those of you still studying French include :

Quinquennat (a five year period), La der des der (the last of the last, also the War to end all Wars), fauché (broke, penniless) arpenter (to stride along)…

Actually, if you’re interested in what the French do for Armistice Day, you can click here and read an article on Le Monde about it. If you can’t read French, then it basically says that whilst Sarkozy wants to make 11 November no longer just about the First World War (we stopped that aaaages ago), the opposition are a bit more hesitant. It’s very odd…

I may go eat some colin for lunch (no, not the dog from Spaced – hake) in finger form. Yes. I shall.

He has pledged a SEVEN-FIGURE SUM of money to help Alexander Salmond, the most odious man in Scottish politics (also, the only man in Scottish politics) fund his campaign for Scottish Independence. Seriously. Chris Weird thinks that Scottish Independence is more important than, oh I don’t know, finding a cure for cancer, or finding a cure for AIDS, or perhaps simply stopping thousands of starving African orphans from dying every day. It’s so lovely to see that you have got your priorities right, Mr. Weir.

As a side note, I should point out the mere futility of Mr. Weir’s action – So, yes, it may lead to Scottish Independence, but, how long will it last? You can’t build an economy on Edinburgh Rock, Tartan and Haggis. You can’t build an economy on tourism. I for one will personally encourage everyone to boycott the country of Scotland if they get independence. I hope Scotland realise that when (if) independence comes, they will lose all the money they take from us to fund free healthcare for the over-60s (or whatever it is), and that our students will stop going to your universities and being robbed simply because they are English. Oh, and we’re going to take Andy Murray. He’s ours now. You’re not getting him back.

Anyway, rant (nearly) over. Hope you all tune in to watch Scotland in Need next week, as Mr. Weir seems to think that giving to the children is obviously significantly less important than Scotland.

Interestingly enough, I did “If I won the lottery, I would…” with my students this week. Nearly all of them said they’d give money to charity, or to their parents and go travelling. None of them said they’d fund Breton Independence. Just saying.

Click here to read possibly the most hateful thing you’ll read all year.

I’ll just give you a moment to recover from that assault on your mind…

Ready? Bon, je continue…

I figured that now would be a good time to rip-apart this utter tripe written by perhaps one of the most odious cunts in the world. (Apologies for the use of the c-word, but I felt he needed it.)

Let’s start at the very beginning, shall we?

First of all, Mr Drain, you have got the format of the letter COMPLETELY wrong. Every knows that the way to set out a letter in English is thus:

Name of sender

Address of sender

Date of writing

Dear Sir/Madam/Name/To whom it may concern,

Then you commence the bulk of the letter where the name of the person to whom you are addressing it ends. Christ. Retard.

Secondly, I am a person of the United Kingdom, and I can certainly confirm without a shadow of a doubt that I have NOT declared myself an enemy of the ‘Living God’. I’m pretty sure His name is just plain-old ‘God’ too.

Thirdly, as much as I admire your range of vocabulary, no-one, and I mean no-one, says ‘wretched’ any more. Unless they are in a period drama talking about ‘that wretched boy’. Get a more up-to-date thesaurus, please. For your own good. Actually, while we’re on the topic of vocabulary, I’d just like to point out that as the inventors of the language in which you typed you’re letter, WE’D spell “Westborough” properly. You know, ‘cos dem’s de rools. On the topic of ‘degenerates’, I refer you back to what I just said about vocabulary and period dramas.

Fourthly, and this is good’un. We have NEVER banned any of His prophets. I’m pretty sure that neither Matthew, Mark, Luke nor John made it to the UK, let alone Joseph Smith. I don’t recall the Bible mentioning anywhere about “And ‘lo, Matthew was denied entry to the UK, shortly after John was imprisoned for preaching the good word of our Lord, Jesus Christ.”

Fifthly, (I’m revising my ordinal numbers here, so thanks, guys) do you honestly think that by saying that the Great Fire of London (not the Great London fire – would you like me to refer to you guys as the Church Westboro Baptist? No. So get it right.) is proof that we’re all doomed to burning in hell for all eternity? I think not. This reminds me of when the press say that a particularly hot day is proof of global warming, as it hasn’t been this hot since 1892. Clearly it’s not evidence of global warming if it was that hot in 1892. Similarly, your example is equally ridiculous. You could argue that any bad thing that happens in the world is God’s way of ‘punishing’ us. That may well be the case, but, well, you know, he kinda doesn’t exist. Or at least he doesn’t exist in a way that means he can arbitrarily decide to kill us off. Oh, but wait, according to that 2000 year old book, it does. Well then, it MUST be true, mustn’t it? Get a grip.

Sixthly, ‘The Pilgrim’s Progress’? Sounds a bit snoozey to me. I highly doubt that it’s the second-most read book in the world. Have you not heard of Harry Potter, guys? Probably not, actually, because it’s actually good.

Seventhly, referring back to point number three, nobody says ‘wrought’ any more. GET A NEW THESAURUS.

Eighthly, as I criticised the opening of your letter, I will criticise the closing of your letter. I think when you’ve started a letter with ‘Dear’, it is only customary to end it with ‘Yours sincerely’, not just ‘Sincerely’. That is rude, and quite simply, just not cricket.

Oh, and one more point before I go, what kind of a surname is Drain? Was it inspired about where you get your ideas? Just a thought…

I’d like to point out that I’m not anti-christian, folks. I’m just fucking angry at dickheads like these.

Firstly, Daily Express, a CRUSade is a religiously sanctioned military campaign, hence CRUSade – the CRUS bit comes from the latin for cross, you know, the symbol of the christian faith. So, Daily Express, you are actually saying that you have launched a “holy war” upon Europe, the majority of whom share the same basic beliefs as this country.

Secondly, Daily Express, you claim that the EU has  ”comprehensively failed people right across Europe.” Really? Have you ever been to Europe? Or are you one of these people who don’t believe in passports? “Across Europe” is a very sweeping statement, Daily Express. Those of you reading this who have any sort of educational qualification will know that you NEVER make sweeping statements without references. Such a sweeping statement would imply that the owners/editors/monkeys who run the Daily Express have NO EDUCATION. Just saying. Look at France – they love the EU.

Thirdly, Daily Express, you claim that “the time has come for the British people to win back their country and restore legitimacy and accountability to their political process.” I’m not being funny, but the first I heard of the EU was in 2004, when I was 15. Some people in this country don’t even know what the EU is. It would seem that the EU’s role in the everyday life of the average British citizen is somewhat limited. Do you know why this is, Daily Express? It’s because of the fact that each member state can CHOOSE to be as active or as inactive as they want to be within the EU framework. But who chooses how inactive or how active they are? Why, it’s the ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES within the member states. You know, those people who we ELECT to REPRESENT our views in government. If we didn’t support their views, WE WOULDN’T ELECT THEM. The fact that we ELECTED them shows that we have chosen them to REPRESENT US. Do you get it yet?

Fourthly, Daily Express, (and I’m getting rather bored of picking apart your bullshit now) you claim that  ”a payment of up to £10billion for Ireland” was given through the EU. No. It was given to them cos they’re our neighbours and they’re a vital trading partner, like the rest of the Eurozone. We help them a. because we have to but, more importantly, b. to help keep their economy stable so that the Eurozone can keep stable enabling much stabler trade. Comprende?

Fifthly, and this is a good one, Daily Express, “It is also seeking to take an ever more dominant role in border control issues, leaving its member states powerless to control migrant flows not only from other EU countries but from Asia and Africa too.” – This is why we’re NOT a member of the Schengen Agreement, and THIS is why every time I leave or enter the country I have to show my passport. If I were a Spaniard travelling to Germany, or in fact anyone travelling from Spain to Germany, no one would look at my passport. This is because they are part of the Schengen Agreement. This is an agreement allowing the free movement of people, trade and goods between members, but members only. The UK is not a member, therefore we have a thing called “Border Control” at the magical thing known as “the border”. Also, EU law means that immigrants into the EU are to remain resident in the country they first arrive in. As luck would have it, the majority of them seem to be arriving in Italy at present. If you were to have your way, you’d try and go back in time and stop the Vikings emigrating to the UK. If things worked how you’d wanted them since, say, 300BC, then we’d have had no Romans, no Vikings, no Anglo-Saxons, no Normans, and we’d all be ginger Celts. I doubt you’d want that now, would you? I thought as such.

Sixthly, Daily Express, you claim that EU law is ‘trampling’ on the British justice system, “demanding that convicted prisoners are given the vote”. Yes. I will concede this point, they have asked that we give convicted prisoners the right to vote, HOWEVER, the government have refused to give prisoners the right to vote, and rightly so. It’s like you guys don’t even read the news.

Seventhly (that’s definitely not a word), Daily Express, “almost nothing the EU has proposed or enacted has benefited Britain – our trawler fleet has been devastated by the Common Fisheries Policy while our taxpayers have found themselves massively subsidising inefficient French and Polish farmers under the Common Agricultural Policy. ” I disagree. Have you heard of the Erasmus programme? It allows students (you know, them scrounging good-for-nothings) to go to Europe to study, on a sort of exchange programme. Being a part of the EU allows our students, our young people to experience different cultures and to be a part of something bigger than our shitty little nation which is still reeling from the loss of its empire. Daily Express, you need to stop giving this country a little-man complex.

Eighthly (again not a word), Daily Express, “Taking Britain out of the EU should not be seen as a move to “Little Englandism”. On the contrary, ours is a great trading nation with markets all over the world. The time has come to develop our neglected trading links with the new global powerhouses such as China and India.” Erm, don’t you look at what you buy? Most things in this country STILL are “Made in China”. How is that neglect? By “great trading nation” do you mean ‘nation that stole resources that took its fancy’? Because I think you’ll find you do.

Lastly, Daily Express, “Now it is Europe that is in decline and Britain that is being held back. It is time to break free.” Europe is a bigger player than ever in the world market, and you are just jealous of “those pesky immigrants taking our jobs”, and that Britain has to finally accept that we are beginning to play less of a role in the world. As I mentioned previously, you, Daily Express, are giving the United Kingdom (because Northern Ireland is in the EU too, not just Great Britain) a little-man complex it does not need. Britain should stay in the EU, simple as.

Oh, also “Get us out of Europe” – We can’t, sillies. Europe is a continent, so we’re kinda stuck. You guys really should check your vocabulary – that means ‘words’, in case you guys didn’t know.

Out of all these, A WIND TURBINE was deemed to be  ’aesthetically displeasing’. Because, you know when you build a wind turbine, its most important feature is meant to be that ‘it looks nice’ as opposed to ‘it makes lots of nice, clean energy’.

Residents who complain that wind farms are like great scars on the landscape need to get their eyes checked. Has the entire nation forgotten about these things :

Now, I know full well that what’s coming out of the cooling towers (the cone-shaped towers) is only steam, but it is what is coming out of the tall thin chimney that is most worrying – carbon dioxide, monoxide etc. As of 2007, just 2% of the UK’s energy comes from renewable sources. TWO PERCENT. So, whilst people are complaining that wind farms are ‘aesthetically displeasing’, they are happily polluting the planet with 98% of the energy they use in their home coming from non-renewable sources.

So, what inspired this rant? Well, today the Daily Mail ran an article criticising a minister’s decision to build an offshore wind farm near to where British troops landed at D-Day. The “headline” (a Daily Mail headline is more like a manifesto of hate) ended with “How is this right?” This isn’t the first time this issue has been raised by the Daily Mail - ’Attack on memory of Allied troops’: Sarkozy under fire after approving massive wind farm off D-Day beaches - Sarkozy has been criticised for approving this plan, but, I will tell you how this is right, Daily Mail – Surely the Allied troops were fighting for freedom, for the survival of the Free-French and to liberate France. If they were (which I’m pretty sure they were), then they would want to free France and to free the world from the ‘oppression’ put upon us by our ancestors over-dependence on non-renewable sources of energy, i.e. they would want wind farms (and other forms of renewable energy) so that we can continue to live our lives in a cleaner world, and to try and stop the spectre of Global Warming. So, Daily Mail, how about you just, oh, I dunno, shut up?

1. When people ask for something, I often hear: “Can I get a…” It infuriates me. It’s not New York. It’s not the 90s. You’re not in Central Perk with the rest of the Friends. Really.” Steve, Rossendale, Lancashire – Well, Steve from Rossendale, I think what you need to realise is that the verb “to get” makes more sense instead of “to have” – Surely you wish to obtain you skinny mocha choca latte than simply have it?

2. The next time someone tells you something is the “least worst option“, tell them that their most best option is learning grammar. Mike Ayres, Bodmin, Cornwall – Mike from Bodmin, when have you ever heard anyone say that? Was it that one time, randomly someone ‘mispoke’ on TV?

4. Using 24/7 rather than “24 hours, 7 days a week” or even just plain “all day, every day”. Simon Ball, Worcester - You’re actually kidding me, right?

5. The one I can’t stand is “deplane“, meaning to disembark an aircraft, used in the phrase “you will be able to deplane momentarily”.TykeIntheHague, Den Haag, Holland - I don’t know who you fly with, but I think you need to reconsider. Even Ryanair don’t say “deplane”.

7. “It is what it is“. Pity us. Michael Knapp, Chicago, US - WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?!

16. “I’m good” for “I’m well”. That’ll do for a start. Mike, Bridgend, Wales – ???

**22. Train station. My teeth are on edge every time I hear it. Who started it? Have they been punished? Chris Capewell, Queens Park, London** My personal favourite. How is this an Americanism?! It merely helps us clarify whether someone is at the bus or the train station. Simples.

36. Surely the most irritating is: “You do the Math.” Math? It’s MATHS.Michael Zealey, London - Michael Zealey, I agree with you, and not because your surname sounds a bit like mine. Maths is short for MATHEMATICS, not ‘mathematic’. An actual campaign should be launched against this horrific crime against English.

43. My pet hate is “winningest“, used in the context “Michael Schumacher is the winningest driver of all time”. I can feel the rage rising even using it here. Gayle, Nottingham - Who *actually* says this?!

50. “I could care less” instead of “I couldn’t care less” has to be the worst. Opposite meaning of what they’re trying to say. Jonathan, Birmingham - Jonathan, I have no idea who even says this. You’re being silly now.

As ridiculous and (possibly) made-up as these may sound, there are some genuine Americanisms that enrage me, such as :

Eye doctor, sidewalk, gray, ax, tire, trash, neighbor, color, cell etc…

I don’t believe that a country that attempted to reform English by dropping the ‘u’ from ‘our’ words left ‘neighbor’ – ‘neigh’ is a perfectly spell-able sound, but ‘bour’? Ohhh, no! Too difficult to manage. Anyway, credit to the BBC for providing me with a new source of rage, as I’ve been so un-rage-y lately…

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-14201796